dland

16.01.03 [......run] i took a really long really hot shower. i sat in the tub and let the stream of scalding water stream down onto my belly. it bounced off my breasts and splattered onto my face. after a while, i lost track of which droplets were shower water and which were tears. i know that i need to think back. remember the past, honor it, learn from it in order to move on. what happens when the past is so all-engulfing that remembering it sends you into a tailspin of emotions? i am still her, just beneath the surface. i know this doesn't mean that i want or need to cut or swallow bottles of pills at once. i know this doesn't mean that i have to flaunt my clumsy sexuality, or take whomever presents himself into my mouth. that much has changed and i am putting away the humiliation and rage that spawned from it. i am putting it up on a shelf, out of reach once it's there. and i can pretend to forget until it really is only a flicker of memory. but i am still her. i am still shy. i am still better off alone. i am still thin skinned and easily annoyed. recently, i was asked about 8th grade. i was asked this because the people that i went to school with brought it up. i don't know how to feel about myself being on their minds. even the littlest bit. i wouldn't tell the person that asked. and i won't tell you. i hope it can remain a secret between those i went to school with and NEVER trusted, and myself. somehow i doubt it, though. ............. i am in love with wanderlust. i am in love with the idea of running. i want so much to pick up my life and move it to the west coast, east coast, south east, somewhere. i am so over the midwest. the need to move, to be in some sort of transition, hums through my body and saturates my mind. i want to close my eyes, twirl around until i lose my bearings and run, blindly, in whatever direction i am facing. strait- scaling over buildings, climbing moutnains, swimming through whatever waters cross me. i won't stop until the calm of being someone totally new comes over me; and even that will be temporary. and if i can't have that, then a club. the kind that won't annoy me. i don't need glow in the dark tounge studs and X. i need the heavy beat and a million sweaty bodies pumping to the music all around me. i need to dance hard, and endlessly. (ok, and maybe some X) i want to be everywhere, and in everything, all at once. just for a moment. then maybe i'll be ok. I don't believe in trouble I don't believe in pain I don't believe there's nothing left but running here again I don't believe in promise I don't believe in chance I don't believe you can resist the things that make no sense I don't believe in silence cos silence seems so slow I don't believe in energy the tension is too low