05.02.03
[she gives a smile when the pain comes (the pain gonna make everything alright)]
i have no idea what to say here, anymore. usually when this happens i go on hiatus, or redesign. but i like this design, and i just came off of hiatus. and i am too stubborn to close this all down. so.
part of the reason is that what i do have to talk about is too private. i don't know if it's fair to the parties involved to bring my thoughts here, as we haven't even really discussed them, and every resolve i have lives soley in my head. (it's the -first time- you move me to silence.)
cole is growing by leaps and bounds. the 18 month old i have here with me doesn't even resemble the newborn that i brought home from the hosptial. his vocabulary is growing, his mind is getting sharper. he puts all of himself into entertaining company when they're here; and cries when they leave. he loves to be read to, and to go "bye bye". he's the best dance partner EVER. he's a neat little kid, you'd all love him.
(i look like hell, but he's so cute, i had to share.)
march 1st i'm giving up cigarettes. not for health reasons, mind you. i LOVE smoking. it is one of my favorite things to do. but i love money more then i love smoking and i spend about 300 a month on cigarettes. so.
i know i won't be here for too much longer. it's taking every ounce of discipline and reason that i can muster to not pick up and leave with cole. i don't know where to go, and i don't really care. i don't even care about the saftey nets i'd be leaving behind. i'm unhappy here. it was humming through my body before, now my entire being is wracked with need. yearning. to be away from here.
soon.
as for this space. i don't know. thank you for sticking with me, thank you for the emails. i'm going to attempt to write the story of jay, as non-biasedly as possible. it's going to take time though. that's...a hard cluster of memories to sort through. first i'm updating the pics and bio pop-ups.
hopefully, i'll pull myself out of this rut soon.
until then, i suggest my blog, or livejournal(although it's mostly friends only).
or you could go read my livejournal friends page, yummy heather, siobhán's archives because she's that damn good, renee (most inspiring mama i know), or funny jen. what are you waiting for? show some love!
(JOON: email me, girl! i tried you and you never responded! i have stuffs for you if you want it!)